That said, being here has been helpful in the sense that it has given me some clarity into things I needed to get clear about, including the relationship I have with someone who has been the focus of a large part of my attention for many months now. Again, I intentionally remain vague on this subject, because it involves other people who may not be as forthcoming as I can sometimes be, but, for me, the clarity comes in the simple understanding that it is time to move on. My attentions need to go elsewhere. I want them to go elsewhere. Keeping them where they are only hurts people I care for, and I'm not OK with that. That was never my intention. I knew this before I came here, I wrote of it before, but being here close to her, and seeing her, has been harder than I expected it would be. It is one thing to understand something in your intellect, another entirely to have to experience it through your emotions. Emotions aren't governed by any set of rules, and they have a way of taking the best laid plans and twisting them. Proximity has a way of bringing emotions to the forefront. The two in combination can make a mess of things. To some degree, they have. I wrote before that I hoped I could come here and be a man I respect and one who earns her respect. I'm not quite sure I succeeded. It's hard to write that, but the truth is important to me. And that's all there is to say really. I don't want to write about it any more. I don't see the need to, as I know it changes nothing, and offers me no further clarity. I'll see her again before I go, at the All Hands Reunion party in London tomorrow. I think it will be a lot of fun. We still do really care for each other, regardless of the challenges. Then, in a few days, I'll leave England, and my focus will shift. It's a big, beautiful world out there, with many wonderful people to be met. Hell, I've met some of them here. So yes, it's time. Let's get back out into the thick of it again shall we? That is where my energy needs to be.
My partners in crime, Max and Dan, are still both committed to starting our project. It may no longer be in Chiapas. We're undecided. Hell, it may not even be in Latin America any more. There are many countries in the world, including some in Africa, that speak English as an official language. The only reason we thought to stick to Latin America was to avoid a language barrier, since I speak Spanish. Looks like we may not have to limit ourselves. I'm intrigued by Africa. Everyone I've ever talked to that I respect and has been there says it has something about it that doesn't leave you. They all intend to one day return. Sierra Leone, for example, is heavily English speaking (85.3% according to Wikipedia) and is clearly a country in need. Yes, security issues are likely much more real there, and need be taken into consideration, but Caelin (a friend I met in Haiti that is currently in Oxford studying) has been there in the thick of it and she's still around, with all four limbs intact at that! I'll talk to her about it today. Be good to get some insight from her. Anyway, the point is, the three of us (and James, back in Haiti) are still very much intending to make this thing happen. That makes me very happy. I can't wait to get back Stateside to link up with them and start to turn this idea into a reality.
But until then, I'm still here in England, and while I do acknowledge I'm ready to go, I also intend to enjoy the time and company of my friends here while I'm still with them. I've been in Coventry for the last few days, spending time with Paddy. Tonight, we're headed back to Oxford to rendezvous with his friend Lisa and maybe a few more people, and then tomorrow Paddy, Simon, Jodie and I head down to Londontown to see quite a few more friends from All Hands. So then, onto it...
Oh, but before I go, the history dork in me would kick my own ass (not that history dorks are really known for that) if I didn't share this: Coventry was heavily, heavily bombed during World War II. There isn't much remaining today to remind you of that except for the old cathedral. I went there the other day, to take some pictures. This struck me:
|Then. Churchill walks the grounds.|
|Now. Tourists do the same.|